When in the valley....

A few days ago I found myself in a yucky place.
I was feeling overcome by the pain and the frustrations that a life in recovery can bring.
I wasn't in a place mentally that I could tell myself the truth because the lies were just too loud.
So I reached out.
I asked people that I love and that I trust to speak truth to me.
I asked them for a word or two of encouragement that could help me remember that the valley is simply part of the climb.
I asked them to help me focus on the fact that the mountaintop is still and always will be within my reach.
As long as I have breath in my lungs and a beat in my heart, that view is still waiting for me.
I wanted to share some of the responses that I received.
In part so that I can return to them as often as needed, but also because I'm praying they might provide the hope that someone else needs to get through a dark moment too.
I'm truly blessed with some amazing truth-speakers...


It will ALL be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end....

that God lives within you, and he has already won the battle. keep walking it out day by day. you were created for specific purpose. you can't give up because he needs you to change lives and help others....

I would remind you that life is so much better when you start to break free from Ed's grasp. I am finally feeling my true self emerge, and I KNOW you can too!!! Prayers and love my friend xoxo

"IS ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR ME" ..... GOD

That I was praying for you about half hour ago bc I knew tday was hard for you...God placed you on my heart!! I prayed Isaiah 26...will send what part of what I prayed for you...

When Tim and I are hiking and we're down in the valley going to the top of a mountain, I sometimes get in such a hurry to get to the top so I can rest and be done I forget to look around and enjoy the climb. Tim always reminds me to enjoy not just being on the mountain top but also the hard work it takes to get there, as there is so much to see and do in the journey. I miss out on what God has created because my head is down. When you're in the valley don't just look up at whats ahead of you but look around at what already is! There is alot of good as well as hard. Love you my sweet friend.

You are a complete individual, especially made by God for His glory. Let your light shine girlie, the world needs you....And boy did He make you beautiful! Inside and out!

That you are loved by me and coutless others and that you are worth the fight...victory is yours thru the One who loves you most!!! I'm praying..

I love you and I know how hard and valiantly you fight Satans attacks on SO many levels. Remember the song by Selah "Before the Throne of God?" "When satan tempts me to despair and tells me every guilt within upward I look and see Him there who made an end to all my sin. Because the sinless savior died my sinful soul is counted free cause God the just is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me. My name is graven on His hands, my name is written on his heart. I know that while in heaven He stands no tongue can bid me hence depart. "
You are under attack little one but you are one mighty little fighter with God's love and strength. Praying for you. Would a little retail therapy or Woodshop help? I can come and get you....would love to see you!

I pulled over as soon as I got your text cause my voice texting isn't working. You have no idea how thankful I am to God that He brought us together. You have impacted my life for good in so many ways...you have no idea!!!

You are loved not only by a multitude of people, but by an unchanging faithful God whose unconditional love is always present, even in our darkest places. He walks with us through every valley, pit, and mountaintop.

You are a wonderful, beautiful and extremely strong women. You are stronger than you think you are and even when you don't feel strong, remember HE is always strong. I am blessed to know you and call you my friend. I love you and am praying for you!!! All my love!!!!

That you are more precious than gold! And that you are loved! You are WORTH it!

That I have never even met you but your inner & outer beauty radiate the miles, so much so, that my heart lifts and I smile... The moment I see a message from YOU. Hang in there doll. Be strong. Xo

I want to remind you that this broken, pain-filled world is not our home... But I'd also like to share something that has encouraged me. I often hear people say "God will never give you more than you can handle." Unfortunately, i haven't found that to be true. I have found that i think he ABSOLUTELY gives us more than we can handle because he wants us to be completely dependant on HIM. He will not give us more than HE can handle but he wants us to trust him that he has us! He loves us completely and unconditionally!!! Love you friend.

I love you, my beautiful, courageous sister. I have never, nor will I ever, forget our days at Remuda. I still regret leaving, not because of the 'help' I was getting, but only because I wanted to steal you away with me!!!

That this is Gods path, not yours. Let him hold you in his arms and hold you tight.

It is completely possible for you to climb your way back to the peak. You are an amazing, smart, beautiful lady. You have been through so much and you continue to bounce back. That is what life is about. I feel you completely. Mine is not ED related but my health. One thing after another and I often say when is it going to end. I have to reframe things in my head to believe that all I am going through is for a reason. I am supposed to Learn from it. Just like you!! As long as your getting back up every time you fall you will gain strength. Eventually they will just be trips rather than falls. If anyone can do it and overcome it's you. I love you Darlin, keep your head up.

One thing? That we have loved each other from almost the moment we met, and we love each other still, and more each day, 11 years later.

*gaining*

back from a little blogging hiatus
it's a bit strange
after so many months away
i should have plenty to report
plenty to say
and yet
i feel blank

in many ways i am not in a much better spot than i was when i last wrote
yet
in some ways
some tangible
some not
i am finally making progress again
small strides towards a reclaimed life
baby steps
both forwards and backwards
baby steps nonetheless

i am in a new place in my journey
allowing more people in
while kicking some out
i have been asked multiple times lately
what i stand to gain if i fully commit to recovery
to life
my first thought is 'weight'
but that thinking is not going to move me forward
it will keep me
stuck
afraid
alone
sick
vulnerable
i don't want to accept that as the life i am destined to live
instead i will fight to think on the true things i will gain
things that aren't measured by a number
on a scale
or in a pair of jeans
i will focus on what laughter in my throat will feel like again
what it might be like to have a smile reach my eyes
i will look forward to eating without guilt
without shame
i will look in the mirror
without fear
i will tell the woman staring back at me that she is beautiful
fearfully and wonderfully made
i won't hate her for being a woman
instead of a girl
i will anticipate holidays with excitement
instead of panic
i will make plans with friends
and keep them
i will speak up when necessary
and keep quiet when not
i will watch zoey.caiden.&logan. grow up
and have the ability to love them as i truly desire
i will be able to open a bakery
and sample 'the goods'
i will let someone love me
really love me
and someday maybe i will have a wedding cake
that i wouldn't even consider throwing up

i stand to lose all of these things
or never find them
if i continue my affair with ED
it should be so easy to let go
and yet
gaining means losing
losing a 17 year relationship
losing a perceived sense of safety
losing who i know myself to be
losing who others know me to be

in the coming
hours
days
months
i am going to need some extra reminders
reminders that the gains will in the end outweigh the losses
that who i am is not defined by my sickness
nor
is it defined by my recovery
that who i am is separate from these things
therefore who i am doesn't change
based on my performance

i am scared
i am overwhelmed
but
i am strong
i am loved
and
i am not in this alone

{ ? }

sometimes i wonder what brings me back here
to this place
this blog
i debate whether my words are heard
or whether they fall on deaf ears
i think back to the time it was a hopeful place
and desperately wish to be back there
yet it seems like an elusive memory
one i fear im beyond recapturing
i need help tonight
i need hope
i need a reminder that im not alone
that i contribute something that the world would miss
without me in it
i just need to know im ok
that even in the midst of this valley
i am loved
believed in
accepted
and worthy of restoration
redemption
that im
not too far gone
to be
reclaimed

...afraid...

sometimes i'm afraid this is just who i am
that this is my destiny
that recovery
freedom
will always remain an elusive memory
in sight but out of reach
i am afraid
of my thoughts
my actions
my inactions
i am afraid
of myself

.Sisterhood.

Written to my Selah girls tonight but applicable to sisterhood and humanity in general.

Dearest Lovelies,
I read the following quote tonight and it hit home for me in so many ways. When it comes to openly posting about my struggles with you all, I get scared and feel very hesitant. Not because I don't trust you all or value your support, but because the guilt and shame I feel for needing it seems to outweigh my ability to ask for it sometimes. My 3 year anniversary of my admission to Selah is next week. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by a plethora of emotion thinking about it. I find myself in a pretty dark place right now. My struggles with depression and ED are bad, and my issues stemming from my PTSD are horrible. I want desperately to return to the place of freedom and life I felt after returning home from Selah, and while there is the part of me that remembers how amazing that feeling is, the dark side of my brain seems to be overshadowing that truth right now. I'm not quite sure what to ask for, or even what I need right now. I just needed to be real. To be honest and authentic. To push aside the voices that tell me nobody cares to hear from me at times like this. I care for each of you greatly, whether we have met yet or not, and I value you more than you know. I'm struggling, yes. But as long as there is still a fight left in the struggle, I think it's ok to let others in on it. So I'm opening the door to my heart, to my struggles. I'm asking that we remember that supporting and encouraging each other in the hard times, makes the times we get to rejoice in our victories together that much sweeter. I pray the Selah sisterhood remains a safe place for each of us to be authentic, whatever that may look like in that moment. I hold each of you close to my heart and will be forever thankful for the chance to know your hearts in such a special way. Much love and many hugs my sweet soul sisters <3

"if you’re struggling, it means there are two sides of you warring against each other. the implication? two sides. one is whatever the darkness is you're fighting against…and the other is the side that hopes you will somehow make it to victory. you can’t struggle without having a good side and a bad side, otherwise there would be no struggle at all. you are still struggling, yes?

you are struggling because there is a part of you that still believes you can beat this."

friend or foe.

Something always brings me back to you •
It never takes too long •
No matter what I say or do •
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone •
You hold me without touch •
You keep me without chains •
I never wanted anything so much •
Than to drown in your love and not feel your reign •
Set me free, leave me be •
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity •
Here I am and I stand so tall •
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be •
But you're on to me and all over me •
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile •
When I thought that I was strong •
But you touch me for a little while •
And all my fragile strength is gone •
Set me free, leave me be •
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity • 
Here I am and I stand so tall •
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be •
But you're on to me and all over me •
I live here on my knees •
As I try to make you see •
That you're everything I think I need •
Here on the ground •
But you're neither friend nor foe •
Though I can't seem to let you go •
The one thing that I still know •
Is that you're keeping me down •
You're keeping me down •
You're on to me, on to me and all over me •
Something always brings me back to you •
It never takes too long •

Sara Bareilles describes my relationship with ED in words that seem lost to me tonight. 
My strength feels so fleeting. 
My determination weakens a little more. 
I don't know who I am. 
I don't know who I am without it. 
I don't know who is underneath. 
Who makes up the soul encased in a loathed body. 
'Neither friend nor foe.'
I cling to something that will kill me. 
Because something has convinced me that it is also what keeps me alive. 
I don't know who I am. 
I am tired of this battle. 

{enough.is.enough}

PTSD.
Trauma.
The fear and confusion of past merging with present.
The shadows that haunt me night after night.
Once again.
Wide awake.
3am.
Can't close my eyes.
I know what will meet me there right now.
Triggered last night.
Harmless boy (wait do they exist?)...
Meets the facade of a witty, outspoken girl...
Everything is happy. Fun. Exciting.
Until.
Boy goes in for a kiss.
And her facade crumbles as she is assaulted by the distinct stench of beer.
She recoils.
Needs to run.
Memories he will never know.
Triggered by something as innocent as his choice of drink.
Everything is at the surface once again.
How do I push it back down?
How do I regain my footing?
How do I believe that the possibility of normalacy will ever exist in my world?
Exhausted.
I am.
So.
Damn exhausted.
But how do I rest.
When my mind and body believe the only way to ensure safety.
Is to remain on guard and alert.
If you've been here.
And you have made it to the other side.
I would love to know that it is possible.
Throw me some hope.
No matter how small it may seem.
A little hope afterall,
is better than none.

I feel fat.

'I feel FAT'...
Quite possibly the most overused statement in the eating disorder world.
When I tell you that I feel fat, it's true that I might feel large in a physical sense.
But what I'm really trying to convey is that I feel like too much in another sense.
Many other senses.
All day long my brain and body seem to scream, 'you are too much'...
While the world yells, 'You are not enough'...
And in the background my soul, my spirit, can barely muster a whisper to say, 'I'm confused'...
In turn, 'I'm too much', 'I'm not enough', and 'I'm confused' somehow get translated into...
I FEEL FAT.
Fat is tangible. Fat is something I can do something about. Fat is universal. It's a language that most anyone has spoken at least once in their lives.
Especially women.
Fat is easier than scared.
Fat is more acceptable than ashamed.
Fat is more understood than guilty.
Fat is safer than damaged.
Feeling fat means so much more than what's it appears.
Which is why when you tell me that although I might feel fat, it doesn't mean I AM fat...
I can't believe you.
Cannot see it as truth.
Because when I tell you I feel fat.
It is usually because it is easier than saying, 'I haven't slept in 3 days because I can't stop having flashbacks.
Or I feel like a failure because of A, B and C.
When I say that I feel fat.
I'm not asking for you to tell me that I am in fact quite thin.
Or that you would give anything to be as 'fat' as me.
I'm telling you how scared I am using words that I believe you will understand.
Please understand.

If only it worked that way...

laying in bed with the flu
it's day 4
i am grumpy. and possibly irrational. so I ask for forgiveness in advance if I end up offending anyone.
part of me thinks I should censor this because I don't know exactly who reads what I write.
and yet a bigger part of me doesn't care.
this will be truth. it will be reality. and unfortunately, sometimes reality isn't happy, it isn't fun.
so it's not a huge secret, even if I would like to believe it is...
this chick (insert mental image of yours truly here) is not doing so hot. she's struggling.
the battle is raging and it feels overwhelming. i haven't given up. i have no plans to do so.
YET
i don't know what to do. logically i know what i should do.
but at a certain point, logic fails to lead the way.
i have passed that point.
now what? i am asked this question daily. by myself and by those i have allowed into the depths of this.
if i had unlimited financial resources, i'd be booking a flight to a treatment center.
but guess what?
I DON'T.
and the fact that this seems to be everyone's solution for me is making me even crazier.
i have friends that have just come home from treatment.
and friends getting ready to go.
and if i hear one more time, 'i wish you could go with me', i am liable to lose my mind.
as i try and convince and remind them that they are indeed sick enough for treatment,
i have to come face to face with the fact that i am as well.
and i know something needs to change.
but throwing in my face something that isn't even remotely an option,
is doing me more harm than good.
i am happy that those i love are taking these steps for themselves
but it's hard too.
and it makes me feel like a horrible person admitting that.
i never intended for this to happen.
i swore i would never again be in this place.
but here i am.
when you offer the suggestion of treatment,
my adamant denial of it is not out of defiance,
but self preservation.
i cannot hope in the impossible.
i am trying to work with what i have.
what is available.
when you tell me that you wish i could come with you,
it doesn't enforce in my mind that you care.
it makes me envious and jealous that you have another opportunity to find life and freedom.
which in turn leaves me feeling like the worst friend in the world.
i desperately need encouragement. support. the assurance that i am not a lost cause despite what ED tells me.
i need these things in the realm of reality though.
not in the dreams of what could be.

Fears and frustrations...

Somedays I feel hope. Strength. Confidence in my ability to find freedom.
And then there are days like today.
Days that leave me crying in bed at 1am.
Unsure of how much more I can handle. How many more battles I can fight.
Days that leave me feeling lost and confused and completely alone.
Despite the logical knowledge I have of being loved.
Days that leave me wanting to surrender it all, yet hold on even tighter.
It's hard trying to maintain a facade of strength when you are falling apart inside.
To be someone's rock when you feel like the foundation you are built on is crumbling beneath you.
It's overwhelming to constantly dole out the advice you so desperately need to hear to others, and yet not be able to internalize it for yourself.
Some days just plain stink.
Trying to hold on to the hope that tomorrow might be better.
And cling to the promise that even if it's not, it doesn't mean eventually it won't be.

Sometimes it's the little things...

Sometimes it's the little things,
that make the biggest difference.
Someone asking, 'how are you?',
and pausing for an answer, a real authentic answer.
A hug, that lasts a beat longer than it needs to...
simply because the giver is aware you aren't ready to let go yet.
A silly text from a friend,
who just hopes that it will make you smile.
With all the chaos swirling around me...
It felt absolutely necessary to take a break from it in this moment and allow myself permission to sit within the goodness that also holds residence in my heart.
I truly do have some pretty amazing people in my life, I am blessed by strangers that have become friends, friends that have morphed into family, and by acquaintances that have turned into confidants.
I think we forget what our significance in the lives of others can be sometimes.
That we can be the ones that ask how someone is doing, and genuinely want to know.
The impact that this one act can have is undeniable.
I can, you can, be the one that hugs a little longer, a little tighter.
When someone needs a smile, needs to remember what laughter feels like in their throat, on their lips, you have the power within you to make it happen.
Each of us has the power to speak life over death.
To rejoice in victories as easily as we commiserate over sorrows.
Sometimes we feel trapped in an seemingly unending darkness,
but sometimes we are given the responsibility to shine forth a light.
To be a beacon in that darkness.
What is one thing you can do today to be that flash of light, that glimmer of hope for someone else?
The opportunities are ALWAYS there, we just need to be open to them....

...betrayal...

If you can't say it to my face...
You shouldn't be able to say it behind my back.
Feeling so angry.
Beyond angry.
I'm tired of having to get information that greatly affects my life second hand.
I want so badly to lash out.
To use my voice to make how I feel known.
But the thought of doing so fills me with so much fear
And anxiety.
I don't even understand why because I could care less at this point if it ruined my relationship with this family member.
Not that I even believe there to be a relationship.
Anger terrifies me.
Expressing it is completely foreign.
I'm afraid that if I start, I won't be able to stop.
I feel like I'm going to explode.
And I fear it's going to be ugly.

Insanity.

Sitting here drinking another cup of coffee.
I've lost track of how many this makes today.
My brain tells me to stay in this chair;
at this cafe that offers nothing in the food department that even sounds appetizing to me.
My heart, my logic, tell me to leave and seek out proper nourishment.
Unfortunately my logic leaves me with an anxiety that overwhelms me.
That literally consumes me and leaves me frozen in place.
When did this happen again?
When did the weight of ED, no pun intended, become such a crushing force again?
When did it sneak in and begin to overtake absolutely every area of my life?
My health. Relationships. Ability to experience peace and joy.
It has stolen who I am.
It tells me that it in fact, is who I am.
Why does something as simple and as basic as lunch make me want to cower in a corner in the fetal position.
How do I break free?
Will I ever be truly free?
This insanity is too much.

{ the unknown }

I turn things on and off all day.
Light switches.
The oven.
Water faucets.
The television.
There is a switch. A remote. A button. For seemingly EVERYTHING.
Except;
My brain.
It's the one thing I can't figure out how to turn off and on as I choose.
My mind races and runs constantly.
All day and all night.
Tonight I'm feeling a hurt I don't know how to explain.
I feel jealous and angry.
And it's stemming from other people's actions. Their inactions. Words spoken and words left unsaid.
I hate that part of my heart that allows me to believe my worth comes from how I'm treated.
Because it enables me to believe that I am powerless. That I have no control.
I logically know on some level that this simply isn't truth.
That I don't need to give anyone power over my emotions. Over my worth. My identity.
But sometimes it's just damn hard to trust in that truth.
Tonight is one of those nights.
Perhaps for now I need to sit with this sadness. With this hurt.
Let myself accept that it's ok to feel this way.
That it won't kill me. That I will get through this valley as I have done time and time before.

Sometimes it's too much...

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today," said Pooh.

"There there," said Piglet. "I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.”


Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with many a 'Piglet' in my life.
My world feels very shaky right now.
Very top-si-turvy.
It feels impossible to conquer life on my own.
HOWEVER...
As I have been reminded by those nearest & dearest to my heart;
I only have to do it alone if I choose to.
The last 24 hours have brought a world wind of emotions.
Anger. Loss. Fear. Sadness. Betrayal. Bitterness. Jealously.
It hasn't been pretty.
Nor easy.
But it's been life.
I feel vulnerable and small.
I feel confused and hurt.
But I don't feel alone.
My army has stood up beside me and behind me once again.
In the midst of this landslide, I am reminded of how very lucky I am.
I am reminded that true friendship, authentic love, can withstand and uphold me through whatever life throws at me.
I will be ok.
Maybe not today.
Possibly not tomorrow.
But it'll happen.
And for now, that is the hope I will cling to.

Can I do this again?

This will be short.
Semi sweet I suppose.
I'm laying here tonight wondering...
CAN I DO THIS AGAIN?
Can I open up my heart and be real?
Be authentic?
Will I be accepted if I do?
I don't know if I can risk it.
I've debated closing this blog and starting a new one...
I simply don't feel like the same girl that posted here a year ago.
AND YET...
I don't want to give up the hope that she can somehow be reclaimed.
I don't want to completely turn my back on her yet again.
I don't want to start over.
I just want to begin again.