confusion and random ramblings...

i feel as though i must warn you up front

i have no agenda for this post

which is both good and bad i suppose

good because i feel free to write what i want

bad because i have no guidelines

 

THINGS ON MY MIND

body image

body shame

how the cycle seems never ending

periods of breakthrough

and periods of insanity

for now i am taking a trip down memory lane

it may not be pretty

but it is what it is

Late Fall 2008

Late Fall 2008

looking back i can remember the days that these photos were taken

i can recall how horrible i felt

physically and emotionally

i was lifeless

i was completely drained

and i felt fat

i hated how i looked and i did not want to be seen

because what if everyone else saw me the same way i saw myself

March 2nd, 2009

this is the morning that i entered Selah House

insane terror

mixed with an ounce or two of hope

i remember thinking that morning

never mind. i'm not ready. just let me lose a little more weight. then i'll go.

i also remember how miserable i was

how much pain i was in

i wanted a new life so desperately

and in that moment the thing i was most afraid of

was giving control of my weight and my body into the hands of someone else

yet in many ways i was dying for someone to take that control

to give me permission to let go of it for awhile

Late March 2009

it wasn't until a few months after leaving treatment that i was able to see in photos like this one what those that loved me had been seeing for months

the physical presence but the complete emotional lifelessness

i look at my eyes here and see nothing

there was nobody home

the girl that inhabited that body had checked out

and it was going to be a struggle to get her back

it was a long and slow process

many days it took someone holding my left hand as i ate crying with my right

it took many days in sweat pants as i grew out of my clothes

it took some swearing at pizza

and tears over salad dressing

it took being open to whatever was asked of me

like BODY IMAGE CLASS

which i loathed

but did anyway

it took facing my fears and being willing to do my body image drawings

Early April 2009

this was my "negative" body image

the girl i saw myself as when i entered selah

full of 

shame.guilt.fear.terror.sadness.pain

i felt huge

and couldn't see past the chaos surrounding me

late April 2009

as i worked through some stuff

i began to see glimpses of light

small breakthroughs of possibility

i still viewed my body as being enormous

but was beginning to find some good as well

the chaos didn't seem quite as big and unmanageable

Early May 2009

i remember this so well

i had put a bathing suit on for the first time in weeks

and i lost it

i didn't have words to explain the terror i was feeling

so i headed out to the art room and scribbled furiously

i remember wondering if i was ever going to be ok with my body

if i would ever accept the weight i was gaining

if i would ever be able to tolerate my body at a healthy size

i was so overwhelmed by emotion

i punched the punching bag that night until my knuckles bled

telling myself that pain is what i deserved

for being so out of control

and then i sat there in tears

as i realized that i still wanted to get better

even if it meant never being comfortable in a bathing suit again

 i didn't let this fear stop me

and

i kept fighting

June 2009

 i fought to the point of contentment

to the point of light

and truth

this body was my truth

the other 3 images were lies formed in my head

and then put on paper

this was my body traced on paper

and then my head had to form it's thoughts around truth

free to fly

my theme as i got ready to leave selah

A transformation I didn't think possible

Letting go of the things that were holding me back...

in 3 months my body changed in many ways

but my mind did too

i was able to do things at a healthy weight that i couldn't do sick

and yet it remained a constant battle

to not go back to that place of destruction

Late June 2009

the light was back

there was life within me again

July 2009

i did in fact wear a bathing suit again

and was able to focus on the joy of being with those i love

instead of obsess over the size of my belly

Summer 2009

i found myself getting more and more upset at the worlds standards of beauty

and was putting more attention into changing that rather than altering myself to fit it

i was speaking up

loudly at times

i was eating what i wanted

when i wanted

with minimal if any guilt

Fall 2009

i loved spending time with girls that were on the same page as me

that were tired of the destruction

that were fighting to make themselves better

Misty (the founder of Selah) and I, Fall 2009

Janie (therapist at Selah) and I. Fall 2009

Jess, the best dietitian in the world....

going back to selah in a healthy place was an amazing feeling

i was proud of myself

i was excited that i was making it

that i was beating the odds

that i was MOVING ON

Selah reunion Fall 2009

and then

something happened

or nothing happened

i honestly don't remember

and those fears and doubts and lies

began to creep in again

slowly

and in disguise

i didn't see the first skipped meal as anything to be concerned about

i really don't know that i even noticed it

and yet slowly everything began to change

the darkness began overtaking the light

the truth became tangled up with lies

life was swirling around me

but i was beginning to distance myself from it once again

i was so ashamed

i am so ashamed

how did i let myself slip from such an amazing place

how did i let myself get into this spot again

exhausted and tired of fighting

as i watched myself begin to disappear again

literally and figuratively

i became more and more distant

afraid of disappointing those that had been so happy to see me well

but as i did this

i found myself struggling more and more

trying to appear one way

while living another way

is a full time job

the hatred i held towards my body came back

with a vengance

the relief that my eating disorder used to provide

was no longer present

the guilt and shame were too high

when i was at the point that i didn't think i could feel any worse about myself, about my body

i was proven wrong

July 23rd, 2010

this is my nephew Caiden and i

we were on our way to spend the day in nashville

this was a day that ended up changing my life

i'm sure at some point i will explain how

but tonight i just want to reference it as it relates to body image

and body shame

while i wasn't doing great when this photo was taken

i had no idea how much my hatred of my body would increase within 24 hours

it amazes me that when you dig deep

the way you feel about your body

usually as very little to do with how much you weigh

Fall 2010

i've spent many days and nights

wondering what it will take to get back to that place of contentment i was once in

what it will take to reclaim the rights to the skin i live in

i don't have any answers yet

i know that it isn't going to be easy

most of the things that bring healing aren't

but i am ready

i am willing

i want to hold hands with that girl within in me that was beginning to love herself

if she will still let me

i want to prove to my body that i can take care of it

nurture it

provide what it needs and wants

whether that comes in the form of a salad or a cookie

right now i feel like that body stuck back in the chaos

BUT

not only do i have hope that i can get to the place of light and freedom

i have proof

i have done it before

and i'm trying so hard to believe that i can do it again

Love in unexpected places....

my heart is in Indiana tonight

in a barn

with the 1,000lb girl named Dolly that helped save my life

this is how Dolly found me

a tangled up, beat up, insecure 

MESS

and in many ways

she wasn't very different

we both came from backgrounds that left us hurt, scared and distrustful 

she was stubborn, strong willed and at times a little rough around the edges

she wasn't everyone's favorite to work with due to these character traits

and i could relate to that 

i trusted this horse before i trusted any human at selah

i trusted her in the good and the bad

when she stomped on my foot

i kissed her nose

when she bit me

i loved on her more

each and every time

she was patient with me

in ways that i will never be able to fully explain

some days i would stand on the back porch in tears

and i would call out her name

and across the pasture i would see her ears perk up

and then she would begin trotting towards the fence to meet me

i would feed her a peppermint or two

and gain comfort just by being in her presence

this massive girl taught me how amazing freedom can feel

that living free from restraints

 (like saddles)

can be exhilarating

even if scary

one of the most powerful moments of my life

happened on a cold, damp barn floor

in Anderson, Indiana

horses do not lay down very often

and rarely when anyone is around

this is when they are in their most vulnerable state

i get this

with everything in me

so to have my girl not only lay down in my presence

but then allow me to lay down with her

gave me more courage than any traditional therapy ever could

this experience showed me that redemption

is possible

that trusting in the most vulnerable situation

is possible

that letting others in even when everything in you warns against it

is possible

and

necessary for survival

this beautiful girl will forever hold a piece of my heart

and

not a day goes by that i am not forever thankful for the lessons she taught me

Moving forward....

sometimes i think that looking back is a good thing

it can bring perspective

it can show us how far we have come

and remind us that growth is possible

i was going through some emails tonight and I came across one I wrote earlier this fall

i had written it just before coming out to Idaho

i wrote it while in a dark place 

in a scary place

tonight i hesitated to read it

i wasn't sure if i was strong enough to face the pain i knew it contained.

and then i remembered that if it became too much i could stop

so i opened it

and began reading

with tears streaming down my cheeks

and immediately i was face to face with what miracles the past 6 weeks have held

this will be my most raw and vulnerable post to date

but i believe that concealing the growth, the miracles, does not leave the door open for these things to continue

so i am going to share the words i wrote

because for me, it is one more way of bringing light to that darkness

...DEEP BREATH...

 

 

I woke up pinching at myself, poking at my body, doing everything imaginable to validate my waking thought of 'i am fat'. By the time I was awake for an hour, I had weighed myself 3 seperate times, opened & shut the fridge and the pantry multiple times, walking away empty handed and sobbing each time, and canceled my doctors appointment because I was 'to fat to be seen'. This has been the story of my life day in and day out for the last week. The internal battle seems never ending. Externally I've got the mask down like nobodies business but inside I've been a wreck. I did an actual mask to represent this to take to therapy. It's pretty amazing what the differences are between the view the world sees and what I'm constantly looking at. I finally decided that I was going to go crazy if I sat in bed alone with my thoughts. So I put on my running shoes, packed a small backpack with the essentials and took off. I ran for a long time, probably longer than I should have, but I needed something to focus on. After awhile my body began to say 'no more' and I became forced to stop. I found a tree next to the lake, unpacked my bag & literally layed down. By this point I was in tears yet again because I was just feeling so lost. It illustrated my life up until this point. Run, run, run until I fall down completely exhausted and unable to go even one more step. Although I am completely excited about the things occuring in the next few weeks, I am also deeply terrified. I'm feeling much the same as I did February 26th, 2009 when I received the phone call from Selah telling me that they wanted me there the following week. I was beaten down and at the end of myself at that point. That call gave me hope, yet also filled me with fear. I knew that it was the answer to so many spoken and unspoken prayers yet it also represented a great loss that I was going to have to face. Knowing that I was going to be in a safe place gave me courage, but the knowledge that I was going to have to let the love & safety of strangers replace the 'safe'  relationship I'd had with my eating disorder for so long was absolutely terrifying. I was laying there at the lake today trying to figure out why I have fallen apart in the last week so completely and I realized that this happened prior to Selah as well. When I got that phone call from Gayla telling me that my admissions date was set I truly felt like things couldn't get any worse. I had been told by doctors 2 months earlier to enjoy Christmas because it would probably be the last one I would be alive for. There was absolutely no medical reason for why I was still alive. Yet, the days between the 26th and March 2nd, the day of my admission were absolute pure hell. ED reminded me over and over of all I would be losing when I entered Selah and gave 'him' up. So I went on a week long eating disorder rampage. I needed to take in all I could of that lifestyle before having to walk away from it. God showed me that in many ways that is exactly what I am doing now. While I'm not entering treatment again, I am getting ready to go into a place of safety and love. I'm going to have to once again make the decision to choose love and real relationship over the false security my relationship with my eating disorder provides me. And this scares me. This means letting go of the numbness I've allowed myself to dive in to. This means I might actually have to face things rather than run from them. I'm not in the greatest place right now but I am willing to keep fighting. As much as it seems like the ultimate escape right now, I don't want to die. I haven't figured exactly how I'm going to do this yet, but I know I can. I wish I was coming to you as the woman I want so badly to be, but unfortunately I think it's going to take a little time. 

...AND EXHALE...

whew, laying it all out there brings out alot of emotions

i remember that day so clearly

i was miserable

at the end of myself

pretty unsure of whether the future held the good that i was so hoping for

i am so thankful that i was able to hang on to that hope

because life IS good

really good

i am still scared of facing things

but i am no longer running from doing so

i still go to the pantry and walk away empty handed at times

but then i ask for help

and most of the time can then do what i need to do despite the fear

feeling truly loved

and accepted

just for who i am

not for what i can do or who i may become

but just for who i am moment to moment

is allowing me to shed those masks that i lived behind for so long

it is so freeing when the external and the internal finally can align

 

so thankful i held onto that tiny ray of hope

so abundantly thankful

 

The smallest things can give us the biggest reasons to fight....

today has been a good day....a GREAT day in fact...

and yet tonight i found myself hitting a wall...the voices in my head screaming lies at me seemed to be louder than the whispers of truth...

i wake up every morning with intentions of doing my very best

i get out of bed intending to eat like i should

to respect and honor this body that God has gifted me with

however some days are just hard

and sometimes i can't even figure out why.

TODAY has been one of those days 

you know, the kind of day that just leaves you shaking your head

thinking...

WHY NOW?

as hard as it can be to get out of this place

i know that i can

that i will

in the moment. in this moment in fact

it can seem overwhelmingly impossible.

yet i trust that isn't

i have hope that tomorrow will be different

that this won't last forever.

for now i will use this image to motivate me

to encourage me to wake up in the morning ready to continue fighting.

this photo was taken just over 2 years ago

Thanksgiving 2008

these boys. my sweet nephews. mean the world to me.

this was 3 months before i entered treatment.

my heart broke this day.

as i realized that i had invested all of my strength into my eating disorder

and had nothing left to give to these precious little souls.

i could no longer play with them. love on them the way i desperately wanted to.

i walked away that day knowing that something needed to change.

that i needed to change.

the next time i saw them.

they came to visit me at Selah House.

8 weeks into treatment i was able to be the aunt me-me that they deserve.

a few short months earlier i couldn't lift them without feeling like i would break down.

this day we laughed. we rolled down the hills. we played tag. we ate candy.

this was freedom

this IS freedom.

i don't want to give away my strength to anything or anyone that doesn't give me this feeling of life ever again.

amazing how one day can make such a difference.

one day showed me how much i had lost.

and

one day gave me a glimpse into the life i was gaining.

 

i have been missing my monkeys like crazy.

it is hard living so far from them

they motivate me in some way everyday.

every.single.day

in the moments that i have a hard time fighting for myself

i do it for them.

because they deserve me healthy

and whole.

and able to love them completely.

AND....

they now have a beautiful, precious sister

who deserves an aunt that models self love. self respect.

this little princess

is my angel baby.

she doesn't know it yet.

maybe someday when she is older i'll tell her why

her refusal to be born on time

has given me the ability to watch her grow up.

this girl has captured my heart.

her arrival changed my world.

i will fight every moment to ensure that she grows up knowing what her worth is.

therefore i will fight to remind myself of mine

so that i can model by example.

everyday will not be perfect.

but everyday is worth it.

i pray tomorrow is easier

that the voice of truth is louder than the taunts of the enemy.

but if it isn't...

i will fight anyway.

i will look into the faces of these little spirits that i adore with every fiber of my being.

i will do whatever it takes to ensure that i am here for them.

because that's what they deserve.

and

because it is what i deserve.

Getting away is good for the soul....

This past Thursday my lovely soul sister Malary and I packed up the car and headed off on a little journey from our home in Idaho to the beautiful state of Utah. I was beyond excited for this adventure of ours as it meant not only time together, but time with many people that we love dearly.

 

 

And we are off!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So focused!

We got to spend Thursday and Friday evening with Kallie, Jeff and their 2 little blessings. What a great time we had with them! Their son Jackson is the sweetest little guy ever and the newest member of the family, Lydia, is one of the most precious babies ever! We ate yummy food, like chocolate covered gummy bears (my weakness) and homemade cinnamon rolls. Cuddled the little ones. And made memories that will last forever.

Seriously, is he not the cutest ever!

Quite possibly my favorite moment of the entire weekend....

Saturday morning had us saying good-bye to this lovely family as we headed to our Brave Girl sister Margie's. We were so excited to see her! We had a day of fun and shopping planned and we couldn't wait to get there!

Brave Girls in Brave Girl Boots!

 

The day exceeded any expectations that we went in with. We had so much fun. Time spent with girlfriends really is healing to your soul! We spent the majority of the afternoon and evening in Salt Lake walking around The Gateway. I had no idea such a place existed until Saturday! It is the most amazing outdoor mall I have ever been to! All my favorites, Anthropologie, Urban Outfitters, amazing furniture stores! This place has it all! 

And then there were 4.....

 

While shopping was great, the evening got even better when we were joined by another Brave Girl sister! Chrissy was in from Phoenix for the weekend and it worked out that she was able to meet us for dinner. I cannot even begin to describe how much it meant to me to see her again. To hug her, love on her and just be in her presence again. She is truly one of my most favorite people in the world!

Waiting in line....

 

 

 

After dinner we stopped for frozen yogurt at the greatest place I have even been! 16 flavors of self serve fro-yo along with topping bars? YES PLEASE! My concoction was a grand mix of Vanilla, Pumpkin Cheesecake and Chocolate yogurt topped with Reese's, chocolate chips, graham cracker crumbs and chocolate covered gummy bears (yes, I know I have a problem). I could have skipped dinner all together and just gotten a larger portion of this yumminess had it been an option! Saying goodbye to Chrissy at the end of the night was hard, really hard. In fact as we were walking away, i had to turn around and run back for just one more hug. Goodbyes are not fun in general. They make me sad and tearful and just more emotional than I prefer! Sunday morning brought more goodbyes as we had to leave Margie to head back to our home nest. More hugs, more love, more hugs again. And then we were off once more.

This weekend was such a blessing. 

I have the most amazing people in my life.

The make me appreciate life.

The make me want to be a better person.

They give me courage and offer me hope.

I wouldn't trade this life for anything.

I'm beyond blessed.