The smallest things can give us the biggest reasons to fight....

today has been a good day....a GREAT day in fact...

and yet tonight i found myself hitting a wall...the voices in my head screaming lies at me seemed to be louder than the whispers of truth...

i wake up every morning with intentions of doing my very best

i get out of bed intending to eat like i should

to respect and honor this body that God has gifted me with

however some days are just hard

and sometimes i can't even figure out why.

TODAY has been one of those days 

you know, the kind of day that just leaves you shaking your head

thinking...

WHY NOW?

as hard as it can be to get out of this place

i know that i can

that i will

in the moment. in this moment in fact

it can seem overwhelmingly impossible.

yet i trust that isn't

i have hope that tomorrow will be different

that this won't last forever.

for now i will use this image to motivate me

to encourage me to wake up in the morning ready to continue fighting.

this photo was taken just over 2 years ago

Thanksgiving 2008

these boys. my sweet nephews. mean the world to me.

this was 3 months before i entered treatment.

my heart broke this day.

as i realized that i had invested all of my strength into my eating disorder

and had nothing left to give to these precious little souls.

i could no longer play with them. love on them the way i desperately wanted to.

i walked away that day knowing that something needed to change.

that i needed to change.

the next time i saw them.

they came to visit me at Selah House.

8 weeks into treatment i was able to be the aunt me-me that they deserve.

a few short months earlier i couldn't lift them without feeling like i would break down.

this day we laughed. we rolled down the hills. we played tag. we ate candy.

this was freedom

this IS freedom.

i don't want to give away my strength to anything or anyone that doesn't give me this feeling of life ever again.

amazing how one day can make such a difference.

one day showed me how much i had lost.

and

one day gave me a glimpse into the life i was gaining.

 

i have been missing my monkeys like crazy.

it is hard living so far from them

they motivate me in some way everyday.

every.single.day

in the moments that i have a hard time fighting for myself

i do it for them.

because they deserve me healthy

and whole.

and able to love them completely.

AND....

they now have a beautiful, precious sister

who deserves an aunt that models self love. self respect.

this little princess

is my angel baby.

she doesn't know it yet.

maybe someday when she is older i'll tell her why

her refusal to be born on time

has given me the ability to watch her grow up.

this girl has captured my heart.

her arrival changed my world.

i will fight every moment to ensure that she grows up knowing what her worth is.

therefore i will fight to remind myself of mine

so that i can model by example.

everyday will not be perfect.

but everyday is worth it.

i pray tomorrow is easier

that the voice of truth is louder than the taunts of the enemy.

but if it isn't...

i will fight anyway.

i will look into the faces of these little spirits that i adore with every fiber of my being.

i will do whatever it takes to ensure that i am here for them.

because that's what they deserve.

and

because it is what i deserve.