Moving forward....

sometimes i think that looking back is a good thing

it can bring perspective

it can show us how far we have come

and remind us that growth is possible

i was going through some emails tonight and I came across one I wrote earlier this fall

i had written it just before coming out to Idaho

i wrote it while in a dark place 

in a scary place

tonight i hesitated to read it

i wasn't sure if i was strong enough to face the pain i knew it contained.

and then i remembered that if it became too much i could stop

so i opened it

and began reading

with tears streaming down my cheeks

and immediately i was face to face with what miracles the past 6 weeks have held

this will be my most raw and vulnerable post to date

but i believe that concealing the growth, the miracles, does not leave the door open for these things to continue

so i am going to share the words i wrote

because for me, it is one more way of bringing light to that darkness

...DEEP BREATH...

 

 

I woke up pinching at myself, poking at my body, doing everything imaginable to validate my waking thought of 'i am fat'. By the time I was awake for an hour, I had weighed myself 3 seperate times, opened & shut the fridge and the pantry multiple times, walking away empty handed and sobbing each time, and canceled my doctors appointment because I was 'to fat to be seen'. This has been the story of my life day in and day out for the last week. The internal battle seems never ending. Externally I've got the mask down like nobodies business but inside I've been a wreck. I did an actual mask to represent this to take to therapy. It's pretty amazing what the differences are between the view the world sees and what I'm constantly looking at. I finally decided that I was going to go crazy if I sat in bed alone with my thoughts. So I put on my running shoes, packed a small backpack with the essentials and took off. I ran for a long time, probably longer than I should have, but I needed something to focus on. After awhile my body began to say 'no more' and I became forced to stop. I found a tree next to the lake, unpacked my bag & literally layed down. By this point I was in tears yet again because I was just feeling so lost. It illustrated my life up until this point. Run, run, run until I fall down completely exhausted and unable to go even one more step. Although I am completely excited about the things occuring in the next few weeks, I am also deeply terrified. I'm feeling much the same as I did February 26th, 2009 when I received the phone call from Selah telling me that they wanted me there the following week. I was beaten down and at the end of myself at that point. That call gave me hope, yet also filled me with fear. I knew that it was the answer to so many spoken and unspoken prayers yet it also represented a great loss that I was going to have to face. Knowing that I was going to be in a safe place gave me courage, but the knowledge that I was going to have to let the love & safety of strangers replace the 'safe'  relationship I'd had with my eating disorder for so long was absolutely terrifying. I was laying there at the lake today trying to figure out why I have fallen apart in the last week so completely and I realized that this happened prior to Selah as well. When I got that phone call from Gayla telling me that my admissions date was set I truly felt like things couldn't get any worse. I had been told by doctors 2 months earlier to enjoy Christmas because it would probably be the last one I would be alive for. There was absolutely no medical reason for why I was still alive. Yet, the days between the 26th and March 2nd, the day of my admission were absolute pure hell. ED reminded me over and over of all I would be losing when I entered Selah and gave 'him' up. So I went on a week long eating disorder rampage. I needed to take in all I could of that lifestyle before having to walk away from it. God showed me that in many ways that is exactly what I am doing now. While I'm not entering treatment again, I am getting ready to go into a place of safety and love. I'm going to have to once again make the decision to choose love and real relationship over the false security my relationship with my eating disorder provides me. And this scares me. This means letting go of the numbness I've allowed myself to dive in to. This means I might actually have to face things rather than run from them. I'm not in the greatest place right now but I am willing to keep fighting. As much as it seems like the ultimate escape right now, I don't want to die. I haven't figured exactly how I'm going to do this yet, but I know I can. I wish I was coming to you as the woman I want so badly to be, but unfortunately I think it's going to take a little time. 

...AND EXHALE...

whew, laying it all out there brings out alot of emotions

i remember that day so clearly

i was miserable

at the end of myself

pretty unsure of whether the future held the good that i was so hoping for

i am so thankful that i was able to hang on to that hope

because life IS good

really good

i am still scared of facing things

but i am no longer running from doing so

i still go to the pantry and walk away empty handed at times

but then i ask for help

and most of the time can then do what i need to do despite the fear

feeling truly loved

and accepted

just for who i am

not for what i can do or who i may become

but just for who i am moment to moment

is allowing me to shed those masks that i lived behind for so long

it is so freeing when the external and the internal finally can align

 

so thankful i held onto that tiny ray of hope

so abundantly thankful