Sometimes we need the wings of others as we discover our own...

Today is going to be a big day. It is a day that is requiring alot of bravery and courage from me. At the moment I am feeling pretty anxious, pretty overwhelmed. And the silly thing? The part of today that I am fearing the most will probably only take an hour. One hour out of the 24 God gifts us with every morning. 

From the outside looking in you can't understand it. From the inside looking out you can't explain it.

I painted this sometime this summer. I was going through a really dark place in my life and everything that I created seemed to reflect this yuck that I found myself immersed in. For the past 17 years I have lived unable to explain, or to understand many of the things that I have had to go through. I have allowed myself to be silent, because my sense of safety was found in the silence. Today I am taking a step towards breaking that silence. And it absolutely terrifies me. But I am going to try it anyways. Because I am tired of hiding. Of being quiet. I live in a constant state of anxiety and panic and I have decided that my fear of continuing to  live this way trumps my fear of speaking, of owning my story, my truth.

Today I will begin chipping through the shell that prevents me from being able to fly free, unhindered. I have no doubt that this process will be painful, that it will require things of me that are going to be really hard and challenging. Things like being vulnerable with others, speaking the unspoken, taking risks.

 But not allowing myself to work through this, to face the pain, will keep me as I am in this picture. Faded into a bright backdrop. I have felt like this for more of my life that is comfortable to admit. Seeing the world around me yet never feeling quite a part of it. I want to live in the light, in the brightness of the wildflowers of life. I am no longer content accepting that in order to be safe I need to allow myself to fade away.

I am choosing to let love in. To allow myself to trust in this army of love and goodness that surrounds me. Having the courage to let the walls down and let people in gives me the strength to move forward on this journey towards healing. Towards freedom. And though I don't always feel very strong, I know that there are many people that are willing to help carry me as I regain my ability to fly.

 Sometimes bravery means accepting that you need to fly on the wings of someone stronger than you until your own wings have had time to develop.

 It might mean holding on tight and trusting that you won't fall. And believing that if you do, someone will be there to pick you back up.

It is ok to need a little boost sometimes to see what the view from higher up could look like.

 Because it might be just the motivation you need to keep going....to keep moving forward...

Letting others in when you fear being hurt is risky.

However, trying to do life on my own was alot scarier.

 So today I will put on my Brave Girl Boots...and I will take the steps I need to take today, moment by moment. I will give myself permission to take in the encouragement that those that love me are sending. I will trust that God knows what He is doing, even when it doesn't feel like it. I will accept love. Even when it is hard, even when it is scary. I will face my fears and today I will choose to live. I will continue to wake up and make this choice until it no longer feels like a choice but a given. Because I want freedom. I want strength. I want my wings back. And I want them to be whole.

 Today I will allow myself to do the things that I need to do in order to fly again. 
Because I am worth it.