.Sisterhood.

Written to my Selah girls tonight but applicable to sisterhood and humanity in general.

Dearest Lovelies,
I read the following quote tonight and it hit home for me in so many ways. When it comes to openly posting about my struggles with you all, I get scared and feel very hesitant. Not because I don't trust you all or value your support, but because the guilt and shame I feel for needing it seems to outweigh my ability to ask for it sometimes. My 3 year anniversary of my admission to Selah is next week. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by a plethora of emotion thinking about it. I find myself in a pretty dark place right now. My struggles with depression and ED are bad, and my issues stemming from my PTSD are horrible. I want desperately to return to the place of freedom and life I felt after returning home from Selah, and while there is the part of me that remembers how amazing that feeling is, the dark side of my brain seems to be overshadowing that truth right now. I'm not quite sure what to ask for, or even what I need right now. I just needed to be real. To be honest and authentic. To push aside the voices that tell me nobody cares to hear from me at times like this. I care for each of you greatly, whether we have met yet or not, and I value you more than you know. I'm struggling, yes. But as long as there is still a fight left in the struggle, I think it's ok to let others in on it. So I'm opening the door to my heart, to my struggles. I'm asking that we remember that supporting and encouraging each other in the hard times, makes the times we get to rejoice in our victories together that much sweeter. I pray the Selah sisterhood remains a safe place for each of us to be authentic, whatever that may look like in that moment. I hold each of you close to my heart and will be forever thankful for the chance to know your hearts in such a special way. Much love and many hugs my sweet soul sisters <3

"if you’re struggling, it means there are two sides of you warring against each other. the implication? two sides. one is whatever the darkness is you're fighting against…and the other is the side that hopes you will somehow make it to victory. you can’t struggle without having a good side and a bad side, otherwise there would be no struggle at all. you are still struggling, yes?

you are struggling because there is a part of you that still believes you can beat this."

friend or foe.

Something always brings me back to you •
It never takes too long •
No matter what I say or do •
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone •
You hold me without touch •
You keep me without chains •
I never wanted anything so much •
Than to drown in your love and not feel your reign •
Set me free, leave me be •
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity •
Here I am and I stand so tall •
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be •
But you're on to me and all over me •
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile •
When I thought that I was strong •
But you touch me for a little while •
And all my fragile strength is gone •
Set me free, leave me be •
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity • 
Here I am and I stand so tall •
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be •
But you're on to me and all over me •
I live here on my knees •
As I try to make you see •
That you're everything I think I need •
Here on the ground •
But you're neither friend nor foe •
Though I can't seem to let you go •
The one thing that I still know •
Is that you're keeping me down •
You're keeping me down •
You're on to me, on to me and all over me •
Something always brings me back to you •
It never takes too long •

Sara Bareilles describes my relationship with ED in words that seem lost to me tonight. 
My strength feels so fleeting. 
My determination weakens a little more. 
I don't know who I am. 
I don't know who I am without it. 
I don't know who is underneath. 
Who makes up the soul encased in a loathed body. 
'Neither friend nor foe.'
I cling to something that will kill me. 
Because something has convinced me that it is also what keeps me alive. 
I don't know who I am. 
I am tired of this battle. 

{enough.is.enough}

PTSD.
Trauma.
The fear and confusion of past merging with present.
The shadows that haunt me night after night.
Once again.
Wide awake.
3am.
Can't close my eyes.
I know what will meet me there right now.
Triggered last night.
Harmless boy (wait do they exist?)...
Meets the facade of a witty, outspoken girl...
Everything is happy. Fun. Exciting.
Until.
Boy goes in for a kiss.
And her facade crumbles as she is assaulted by the distinct stench of beer.
She recoils.
Needs to run.
Memories he will never know.
Triggered by something as innocent as his choice of drink.
Everything is at the surface once again.
How do I push it back down?
How do I regain my footing?
How do I believe that the possibility of normalacy will ever exist in my world?
Exhausted.
I am.
So.
Damn exhausted.
But how do I rest.
When my mind and body believe the only way to ensure safety.
Is to remain on guard and alert.
If you've been here.
And you have made it to the other side.
I would love to know that it is possible.
Throw me some hope.
No matter how small it may seem.
A little hope afterall,
is better than none.

I feel fat.

'I feel FAT'...
Quite possibly the most overused statement in the eating disorder world.
When I tell you that I feel fat, it's true that I might feel large in a physical sense.
But what I'm really trying to convey is that I feel like too much in another sense.
Many other senses.
All day long my brain and body seem to scream, 'you are too much'...
While the world yells, 'You are not enough'...
And in the background my soul, my spirit, can barely muster a whisper to say, 'I'm confused'...
In turn, 'I'm too much', 'I'm not enough', and 'I'm confused' somehow get translated into...
I FEEL FAT.
Fat is tangible. Fat is something I can do something about. Fat is universal. It's a language that most anyone has spoken at least once in their lives.
Especially women.
Fat is easier than scared.
Fat is more acceptable than ashamed.
Fat is more understood than guilty.
Fat is safer than damaged.
Feeling fat means so much more than what's it appears.
Which is why when you tell me that although I might feel fat, it doesn't mean I AM fat...
I can't believe you.
Cannot see it as truth.
Because when I tell you I feel fat.
It is usually because it is easier than saying, 'I haven't slept in 3 days because I can't stop having flashbacks.
Or I feel like a failure because of A, B and C.
When I say that I feel fat.
I'm not asking for you to tell me that I am in fact quite thin.
Or that you would give anything to be as 'fat' as me.
I'm telling you how scared I am using words that I believe you will understand.
Please understand.

If only it worked that way...

laying in bed with the flu
it's day 4
i am grumpy. and possibly irrational. so I ask for forgiveness in advance if I end up offending anyone.
part of me thinks I should censor this because I don't know exactly who reads what I write.
and yet a bigger part of me doesn't care.
this will be truth. it will be reality. and unfortunately, sometimes reality isn't happy, it isn't fun.
so it's not a huge secret, even if I would like to believe it is...
this chick (insert mental image of yours truly here) is not doing so hot. she's struggling.
the battle is raging and it feels overwhelming. i haven't given up. i have no plans to do so.
YET
i don't know what to do. logically i know what i should do.
but at a certain point, logic fails to lead the way.
i have passed that point.
now what? i am asked this question daily. by myself and by those i have allowed into the depths of this.
if i had unlimited financial resources, i'd be booking a flight to a treatment center.
but guess what?
I DON'T.
and the fact that this seems to be everyone's solution for me is making me even crazier.
i have friends that have just come home from treatment.
and friends getting ready to go.
and if i hear one more time, 'i wish you could go with me', i am liable to lose my mind.
as i try and convince and remind them that they are indeed sick enough for treatment,
i have to come face to face with the fact that i am as well.
and i know something needs to change.
but throwing in my face something that isn't even remotely an option,
is doing me more harm than good.
i am happy that those i love are taking these steps for themselves
but it's hard too.
and it makes me feel like a horrible person admitting that.
i never intended for this to happen.
i swore i would never again be in this place.
but here i am.
when you offer the suggestion of treatment,
my adamant denial of it is not out of defiance,
but self preservation.
i cannot hope in the impossible.
i am trying to work with what i have.
what is available.
when you tell me that you wish i could come with you,
it doesn't enforce in my mind that you care.
it makes me envious and jealous that you have another opportunity to find life and freedom.
which in turn leaves me feeling like the worst friend in the world.
i desperately need encouragement. support. the assurance that i am not a lost cause despite what ED tells me.
i need these things in the realm of reality though.
not in the dreams of what could be.

Fears and frustrations...

Somedays I feel hope. Strength. Confidence in my ability to find freedom.
And then there are days like today.
Days that leave me crying in bed at 1am.
Unsure of how much more I can handle. How many more battles I can fight.
Days that leave me feeling lost and confused and completely alone.
Despite the logical knowledge I have of being loved.
Days that leave me wanting to surrender it all, yet hold on even tighter.
It's hard trying to maintain a facade of strength when you are falling apart inside.
To be someone's rock when you feel like the foundation you are built on is crumbling beneath you.
It's overwhelming to constantly dole out the advice you so desperately need to hear to others, and yet not be able to internalize it for yourself.
Some days just plain stink.
Trying to hold on to the hope that tomorrow might be better.
And cling to the promise that even if it's not, it doesn't mean eventually it won't be.