I feel fat.

'I feel FAT'...
Quite possibly the most overused statement in the eating disorder world.
When I tell you that I feel fat, it's true that I might feel large in a physical sense.
But what I'm really trying to convey is that I feel like too much in another sense.
Many other senses.
All day long my brain and body seem to scream, 'you are too much'...
While the world yells, 'You are not enough'...
And in the background my soul, my spirit, can barely muster a whisper to say, 'I'm confused'...
In turn, 'I'm too much', 'I'm not enough', and 'I'm confused' somehow get translated into...
I FEEL FAT.
Fat is tangible. Fat is something I can do something about. Fat is universal. It's a language that most anyone has spoken at least once in their lives.
Especially women.
Fat is easier than scared.
Fat is more acceptable than ashamed.
Fat is more understood than guilty.
Fat is safer than damaged.
Feeling fat means so much more than what's it appears.
Which is why when you tell me that although I might feel fat, it doesn't mean I AM fat...
I can't believe you.
Cannot see it as truth.
Because when I tell you I feel fat.
It is usually because it is easier than saying, 'I haven't slept in 3 days because I can't stop having flashbacks.
Or I feel like a failure because of A, B and C.
When I say that I feel fat.
I'm not asking for you to tell me that I am in fact quite thin.
Or that you would give anything to be as 'fat' as me.
I'm telling you how scared I am using words that I believe you will understand.
Please understand.