Tears.Fears.Miracles.

This was me at about 1am this morning. An hour after I turned 27. I'm looking like I am having a great day, huh? I was in a place of sorrow and desperation that I have not found myself in for quite some time. I was literally sobbing, full out wailing. I get teary just thinking about how miserable I was feeling at the moment that I took this photo. September 29th is the hardest day of the year for me. Yet it is also supposed to be a happy day. My emotions revolving around it are so conflicted every year. It never ceases to amaze me how confusing this day is. 27 years ago today, I was born on my fathers birthday. Born on his birthday, given his name, I was his little girl....The exact definition of "Daddy's little girl"...It is hard for me to comprehend why this changed. Why 27 years later I find myself with so many unanswered questions. So much hidden hurt. So many confusing memories. Why today I spent the beginning of my birthday curled up in a ball in front of my fireplace clutching a teddy bear like a scared little girl instead of celebrating my life. I had all of these horrible words running through my brain. Words that I faced every year when the birthday card from him would come addressed from whatever prison he was in at the time.
Today was at one time our day, but I am also coming to realize that it is also MY day... I get to choose how I spend it. I can allow myself to acknowledge that it is a painful day. That on some level it may always house some pain , because denying it and pretending that the hurt isn't there, that it doesn't exist doesn't do me any good. But I don't have to deny myself happiness because he is unhappy. I didn't even realize I was doing it until this morning. When I was refusing to allow myself to read birthday messages simply due to the fact that I knew he wasn't receiving them. His choice to hurt me landed him where he is. Not mine. It is however MY choice whether I decided to sit in that prison cell with him or let myself live the life I have fought so hard for. Making that choice is scary. I am not sure why I am so fearful of it, but I am. Letting go of who he once was, accepting what he became and contiues to be is tough. I am working on it. I am working through it. I am not there yet.

I spent the afternoon walking through the woods with a couple of my favorite people. At first I saw this picture and wanted to delete it. All I could focus on was how swollen my eyes look. And then I decided to see it as a picture of hope. Less than 12 hours earlier I had been in that ball on the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it out of the house today. And then I made the choice to live today for me. Swollen, painful eyes and all.....
Happy Birthday to me....

Love her. RAW.

Just a warning, this one could get raw and messy.

As I have been packing for my impending move I have come across many treasures that I'd forgotten even existed. I've also discovered some items that have brought me straight to my knees, that have left me in tears, that I don't understand. While cleaning out my closet I discovered nearly 200 empty boxes of laxatives from before I went to Selah. I have put off really organizing this part of my home since getting back from treatment for this very reason, I was afraid to face what I knew to be there. I found a stash of medications that I had literally labeled, 'Last resort. A way out'. And I came across many years worth of journals that I didn't even know I had here. I sat on the floor and begin to read through my life, page by page. And I cried. Desperation filled line after line. There are numerous pages where I'd written at the top, 'I am'... And then just scrawled words everywhere. Fat. Whore. Dirty. Damaged. Unworthy. Hopeless. Sad. Fearful. Disgusting. Slut. Broken. Angry. Unloveable. Ugly. Worthless. Weak. Helpless. Homewrecker. Disgrace. Failure. These are the words that I have spent years using to define myself. I read through journals dating back to 2001 (age 18), through 2007 (23). I could not escape, would not allow myself to escape, the definitions that others had placed on me. I came to the yucky realization that in many ways, in many areas of my life, I am still living trapped within the confines of these horrible lies. In fact, there is still part of me that sees them as truths.
He says to 'fear not' for He is with me. Therefore instead of being fearful, He has given me the power to live life fearLESS.
He says that He is ENTHRALLED by MY beauty, that within me lives a glorious princess. Therefore instead of feeling fat and ugly, He gives me the right to walk in beauty.
He says that He gives us victory over the things in life that threaten to bring us down. Therefore in Him, I cannot fail.
He says that He arms me with strength. Therefore, if I am armed with the strength of the Lord, how can I be weak?
He says that He loves me with an everlasting love. Therefore, how can I be unloveable?
He says to live a life worthy of the calling that I have received. Therefore, I cannot be worthless if God has a specific, handcrafted plan and purpose just for me.
He says that He takes great delight in me. Therefore, I can rest assured that He doesn't view me as a disgrace.
He says that He will comfort those who mourn. Therefore, He can handle my sadness and despair.
This journey is hard. So hard. But I'm embarking on it anyways. The road ahead is going to have it's valleys. But I'm also hopeful that it will have it's mountain tops as well. As God continues to reveal His truths to me, I will continue to remain open to the possibility of replacing my lies. Walking in the light of the truth is so much better than hiding in the darkness of the lie. As I continue to finish packing I am certain that I will come across more baggage. Hopefully some treasures as well. Last night the hard stuff was in the form of photos, but that's another blog in and of itself. I'm ready. I'm willing. My heart is raw, vulnerable and ready. After living for so long with a harderened heart, the intensity that comes along with a softened heart is a strange and unusual feeling. But I find myself rather enjoying it. Get ready world, the walls are gonna start falling.


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Trusting.

I began the day with tears of frustration. I'm ending the day in tears of brokenness. Today has held alot of disappointment, confusion and anxiety. I am thankful for the promise that tomorrow begins a new day. My truck has been in the shop for what has seemed like FOREVER. It needed some major repairs and it is taking alot longer than expected. For someone that likes being on the go this has been a challenge. I've had to rely on the generosity of others as well as my own creativity to get where I need to be. In some ways God has used this to slow me down. To remind me to breathe. And in some ways I think He is using it as a way to cultivate greater patience within my character. Well I had given the mechanics a deadline at the beginning of this week. I told them that I HAD to have my truck back by Thursday morning. I was supposed to move my stuff out today. I was supposed to leave for Indiana first thing in the morning for the Selah reunion. I was supposed to be in Kentucky on Sunday. And I am supposed to be on a plane bound for Idaho on Wednesday. There are alot of things I am SUPPOSED to do. Today has been a day that I've found myself questioning God alot. On more than one occasion I've said out loud, 'I am trying to trust You, even though I don't agree with you.' You know the old saying, 'it's a blessing in disguise'? Well I've made it clear to God that I'd like some less disguised blessings! Sometimes I think I can actually hear Him laughing at me! I'm laying here in bed right now, and I'm questioning why this is happening. I was looking forward to a weekend with my sisters. The bond between Selah sisters is pretty unique. And we have one weekend a year to gather together all at once to share our hearts. Our victories and defeats. I'll admit that I was scared to go this weekend as well. Scared that my defeats were going to appear to outweigh my victories. But I think I also realized that I still wanted to be there, it was ED that was scared. He thrives in the secrecy and darkness. He didn't want to be exposed. I was going to let him be. While sitting in a therapy group tonight I had some pretty powerful revelations. 2 months ago tonight I experienced something that I truly thought held the power to kill me. I was sad, I was hurting, I was lonely and I was in that place of questioning God. I thought my life was over. I didn't ask, 'why me'...because the reality is it shouldn't ever be anybody. So if I feel it's ok for me to question 'why me', then I better be open to asking, 'why NOT me' as well. I ended up just sitting with the feelings and the emotions. I tried to trust God even though I didn't understand. And I am so glad I did. My life has changed in an unbelievable way since July 23rd. Seriously, you probably wouldn't believe it. An event that I thought was destined to be the end of my life provided a springboard allowing me to BEGIN my life. So...I'm going to trust that God knows what He is doing right now. Even though I don't like it. Even though I don't agree with it. Even though it leaves me with an aching heart. I'm gonna trust. Yes. I'm going to release my control and trust Him...since He is ultimately the One in control anyways. I'm glad that He loves me enough to listen to my frustrations with Him though!


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Goodbyes...

The Michigan goodbyes have started. I'm trying hard to remember that this is not goodbye forever, merely a long term 'see you soon'. I will be back. At some point. Whether my return is permanent or temporary is yet to be determined. I need this time away, I know I do. The past 8 weeks have been so hard, but I have survived. However I am no longer content with surviving, I am ready to once again begin to thrive. I no longer want to simply exist in the world, I want to live...truly live life ALIVE. God has opened a multitude of doors the past couple of months. It is all too clear to me that He is providing these opportunities for me. I am choosing to embrace this. I will no longer run from myself. I'm ready to move forward. I know that there will be many tears to come. But I am going to trust in the truth that there is healing in the tears.


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I am sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks. I just came across this letter that I wrote March 24th, 2009 to myself. I wrote it from my 80 year old self to my then 25 year old self. I needed to be reminded of these things tonight.

Dear Sweet Girl,
How I wish that you could see yourself now as I see you 55 years later. You never believed that you would make it to 25, yet alone 80...and then you began to trust in the redeeming & restoring power of our Lord. I cannot promise that the life set out before you will always be good, there will be trials, but you have the heart and spirit of an overcomer. Never again will you feel as entangled as you do now. It's time to start living your life in freedom beautiful one. There is someone God has handpicked to love you as a wife, however you must first find yourself loveable. You must see and accept that you deserve to be cherished. I know that since you were a little girl your hearts longing has been to be a mommy...trust your heart. I know you doubt your capabilities...trust others when they say you are a natural...trust in the desires that God has specifically placed in your heart. He has put them there for a reason. I know you love and crave adventure...jump out of many planes, as often as you want! You only live once. Pursue your dreams of opening your own bakery. God has given you talent, you don't need to deny it based on fear. It's another desire that He has given you. Honor it, for He will sustain you through it. When people around you want to love on you, please let them. By the time you reach 80, you won't remember the exact words spoken, but you will remember the times when your hand was held...when you were held...allow yourself to receive it...to see yourself worthy of it. God calls you beautiful, as do countless others...HEAR IT...and trust in this truth. Also, remember that external beauty ages and fades, but your spirit can remain beautiful throughout eternity. Life is a stage...be the actress you were created to be...don't let someone else illustrate the story that only you were born to tell. You have a Heavenly Father that cannot wait to give you a standing ovation. Fight hard dear girl...fight with all you've got...I promise you that you won't regret it.
You are loved. Always.



WOW....I so needed this. My 80 year old seems like a pretty wise woman!!!!


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Location:Letters....

Sigh.

I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. My brain is in overload, I feel like I have so much I need to do before leaving on Wednesday, yet all I want to do is be with the people here that I love. My heart is missing people all ready.

Mixed emotion.

It's just after 2am and I find myself in a little heap on my bedroom floor. I'm curled up here in the dark unsure of what my next move is. I've spent the past 5 hours entrenched in stuff. My stuff. Material and emotional, and at times material that led to emotion. I hate packing. Absolutely loathe it. Which is probably the reason I've put it off til the very last moment. I'm one of those people that doesn't realize how much they own until I'm face to face with it, trying to wrestle it into boxes. I'm excited for this journey I am about to embark on, yet I'm also coming to feel some sadness as well. With each picture I took off a wall or piece of furniture I hauled out tonight the reality of what's happening hit me a little more. My bedroom, my safe haven, has been reduced to a bed and piles of clothes. Mountains of clothes really. There are no longer any outward reminders of who I am or what I put into this space. In someways that forces me to look inwards to find those things....however I am more of a visual being! My kitchen is packed. With exception of my beloved coffee pot of course. I created alot in that kitchen. My friends and I had alot of fun there. I packed away the trusty wine glasses as well. Man did they see us through some interesting times. Laughter, tears, fear and joy. Some nights called for a straw in the bottle, however those glasses got their fair share of party time. Slowly, piece by piece, this place has begun to feel less like home and more like the temporary dwelling it was. Sometime next week the painters will come in and cover up the days spent creating this cozy, festive place I grew to love. And soon after it will be the home of someone new. My heart has already begun to move on. It's excited about what the future is bringing. I've promised my heart, along with that little girl inside me, that we will be at home again soon...I don't know yet where that will be or what our home will look like, but I'll get us there. Safety, beauty, comfort and peace await us somewhere...For now we say goodbye to this place, and look forward with open arms to the possibility of what can and will be. And I will let the tears come. Because letting go is hard. Hard, but worth doing.


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Just ask me...

I entitled this 'Just ask me' because that is what I feel like screaming today. Instead of assuming you know how I am, or going to another source for the answer, just ask me! I am open. I am more than willing to share. Instead of asking our mutual friend or family member what's going on with me, please come to the only person with the true and honest answer. When I left my job that I'd been at for many years I found my frustration about this increase significantly. After stepping away and going on medical leave, I heard from TWO of the people that I've spent the past 3 years with. These weren't casual work relationships, or so I thought. We went out together, we vacationed together, we shared tears and laughter, births and deaths. When I left the rumor mill started and it is though I never meant anything. I got so tired of my friend and former coworker telling me that so and so asked what was up with me. I finally replied, the only answer I want you to give from now on is, 'why don't you ask her'. I'm not shy. I'm actually pretty open. So if you want to know something, just ask me.


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Fear.

Fear is my demon tonight. I find myself afraid of most everything in this moment. I'm afraid to be home alone until I leave for Anderson on Friday. I'm afraid I won't get everything I need to accomplish done. I'm afraid of food and the power it has in my life at this time. I'm just plain fearful. My biggest obstacle right now? My fear of sleep. I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. But I am absolutely terrified to close my eyes tonight. Insomnia in general is just plain horrible. Insomnia induced by trauma is like none other. Sleep equates to another loss of control. Trusting that my mind will stay in safe territories if I should close my eyes seems like an impossible task tonight.


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One of those days....

It's almost 2pm and for the 4th day in a row I find myself still laying in bed. I've been awake since 9am, but have not found the motivation to leave the safety and security of my blankets. I will have to get up soon. I have a play date with one of my favorite friends at one of our favorite places in an hour. I'm excited to see her, as we won't have many more times to do this for awhile. Yet I am still dreading leaving my comfort zone. I've spent the last 90 minutes trying to formulate an outfit in my head. If only sweat pants were Somerset appropriate...I'm having a day where nothing sounds right. I'm not liking my body and the idea of putting it on display is absolutely terrifying. I know it needs to be done, now it's just a matter of doing it....if only the action could be as easy as the thought!


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Blog virgin....

Here we go....My very first Blog post! I promise that it isn't going to be anything exciting, probably not even anything worth reading...but it is what it is! I hope to use this as another outlet to express who I am...where I am...authentically and without hesitation. I cannot promise that what you read will always be what you want to hear. It may be raw. It may be vulnerable. It may confuse you...But, if you can love me in spite of it, than you deserve to hear it! I am if nothing else, 100% flawed...but I am also 100% worth getting to know...At least that is what I am continuing to try and tell myself....