Tears.Fears.Miracles.

This was me at about 1am this morning. An hour after I turned 27. I'm looking like I am having a great day, huh? I was in a place of sorrow and desperation that I have not found myself in for quite some time. I was literally sobbing, full out wailing. I get teary just thinking about how miserable I was feeling at the moment that I took this photo. September 29th is the hardest day of the year for me. Yet it is also supposed to be a happy day. My emotions revolving around it are so conflicted every year. It never ceases to amaze me how confusing this day is. 27 years ago today, I was born on my fathers birthday. Born on his birthday, given his name, I was his little girl....The exact definition of "Daddy's little girl"...It is hard for me to comprehend why this changed. Why 27 years later I find myself with so many unanswered questions. So much hidden hurt. So many confusing memories. Why today I spent the beginning of my birthday curled up in a ball in front of my fireplace clutching a teddy bear like a scared little girl instead of celebrating my life. I had all of these horrible words running through my brain. Words that I faced every year when the birthday card from him would come addressed from whatever prison he was in at the time.
Today was at one time our day, but I am also coming to realize that it is also MY day... I get to choose how I spend it. I can allow myself to acknowledge that it is a painful day. That on some level it may always house some pain , because denying it and pretending that the hurt isn't there, that it doesn't exist doesn't do me any good. But I don't have to deny myself happiness because he is unhappy. I didn't even realize I was doing it until this morning. When I was refusing to allow myself to read birthday messages simply due to the fact that I knew he wasn't receiving them. His choice to hurt me landed him where he is. Not mine. It is however MY choice whether I decided to sit in that prison cell with him or let myself live the life I have fought so hard for. Making that choice is scary. I am not sure why I am so fearful of it, but I am. Letting go of who he once was, accepting what he became and contiues to be is tough. I am working on it. I am working through it. I am not there yet.

I spent the afternoon walking through the woods with a couple of my favorite people. At first I saw this picture and wanted to delete it. All I could focus on was how swollen my eyes look. And then I decided to see it as a picture of hope. Less than 12 hours earlier I had been in that ball on the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it out of the house today. And then I made the choice to live today for me. Swollen, painful eyes and all.....
Happy Birthday to me....