Trusting.

I began the day with tears of frustration. I'm ending the day in tears of brokenness. Today has held alot of disappointment, confusion and anxiety. I am thankful for the promise that tomorrow begins a new day. My truck has been in the shop for what has seemed like FOREVER. It needed some major repairs and it is taking alot longer than expected. For someone that likes being on the go this has been a challenge. I've had to rely on the generosity of others as well as my own creativity to get where I need to be. In some ways God has used this to slow me down. To remind me to breathe. And in some ways I think He is using it as a way to cultivate greater patience within my character. Well I had given the mechanics a deadline at the beginning of this week. I told them that I HAD to have my truck back by Thursday morning. I was supposed to move my stuff out today. I was supposed to leave for Indiana first thing in the morning for the Selah reunion. I was supposed to be in Kentucky on Sunday. And I am supposed to be on a plane bound for Idaho on Wednesday. There are alot of things I am SUPPOSED to do. Today has been a day that I've found myself questioning God alot. On more than one occasion I've said out loud, 'I am trying to trust You, even though I don't agree with you.' You know the old saying, 'it's a blessing in disguise'? Well I've made it clear to God that I'd like some less disguised blessings! Sometimes I think I can actually hear Him laughing at me! I'm laying here in bed right now, and I'm questioning why this is happening. I was looking forward to a weekend with my sisters. The bond between Selah sisters is pretty unique. And we have one weekend a year to gather together all at once to share our hearts. Our victories and defeats. I'll admit that I was scared to go this weekend as well. Scared that my defeats were going to appear to outweigh my victories. But I think I also realized that I still wanted to be there, it was ED that was scared. He thrives in the secrecy and darkness. He didn't want to be exposed. I was going to let him be. While sitting in a therapy group tonight I had some pretty powerful revelations. 2 months ago tonight I experienced something that I truly thought held the power to kill me. I was sad, I was hurting, I was lonely and I was in that place of questioning God. I thought my life was over. I didn't ask, 'why me'...because the reality is it shouldn't ever be anybody. So if I feel it's ok for me to question 'why me', then I better be open to asking, 'why NOT me' as well. I ended up just sitting with the feelings and the emotions. I tried to trust God even though I didn't understand. And I am so glad I did. My life has changed in an unbelievable way since July 23rd. Seriously, you probably wouldn't believe it. An event that I thought was destined to be the end of my life provided a springboard allowing me to BEGIN my life. So...I'm going to trust that God knows what He is doing right now. Even though I don't like it. Even though I don't agree with it. Even though it leaves me with an aching heart. I'm gonna trust. Yes. I'm going to release my control and trust Him...since He is ultimately the One in control anyways. I'm glad that He loves me enough to listen to my frustrations with Him though!


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