Sometimes it's the little things...

Sometimes it's the little things,
that make the biggest difference.
Someone asking, 'how are you?',
and pausing for an answer, a real authentic answer.
A hug, that lasts a beat longer than it needs to...
simply because the giver is aware you aren't ready to let go yet.
A silly text from a friend,
who just hopes that it will make you smile.
With all the chaos swirling around me...
It felt absolutely necessary to take a break from it in this moment and allow myself permission to sit within the goodness that also holds residence in my heart.
I truly do have some pretty amazing people in my life, I am blessed by strangers that have become friends, friends that have morphed into family, and by acquaintances that have turned into confidants.
I think we forget what our significance in the lives of others can be sometimes.
That we can be the ones that ask how someone is doing, and genuinely want to know.
The impact that this one act can have is undeniable.
I can, you can, be the one that hugs a little longer, a little tighter.
When someone needs a smile, needs to remember what laughter feels like in their throat, on their lips, you have the power within you to make it happen.
Each of us has the power to speak life over death.
To rejoice in victories as easily as we commiserate over sorrows.
Sometimes we feel trapped in an seemingly unending darkness,
but sometimes we are given the responsibility to shine forth a light.
To be a beacon in that darkness.
What is one thing you can do today to be that flash of light, that glimmer of hope for someone else?
The opportunities are ALWAYS there, we just need to be open to them....

...betrayal...

If you can't say it to my face...
You shouldn't be able to say it behind my back.
Feeling so angry.
Beyond angry.
I'm tired of having to get information that greatly affects my life second hand.
I want so badly to lash out.
To use my voice to make how I feel known.
But the thought of doing so fills me with so much fear
And anxiety.
I don't even understand why because I could care less at this point if it ruined my relationship with this family member.
Not that I even believe there to be a relationship.
Anger terrifies me.
Expressing it is completely foreign.
I'm afraid that if I start, I won't be able to stop.
I feel like I'm going to explode.
And I fear it's going to be ugly.

Insanity.

Sitting here drinking another cup of coffee.
I've lost track of how many this makes today.
My brain tells me to stay in this chair;
at this cafe that offers nothing in the food department that even sounds appetizing to me.
My heart, my logic, tell me to leave and seek out proper nourishment.
Unfortunately my logic leaves me with an anxiety that overwhelms me.
That literally consumes me and leaves me frozen in place.
When did this happen again?
When did the weight of ED, no pun intended, become such a crushing force again?
When did it sneak in and begin to overtake absolutely every area of my life?
My health. Relationships. Ability to experience peace and joy.
It has stolen who I am.
It tells me that it in fact, is who I am.
Why does something as simple and as basic as lunch make me want to cower in a corner in the fetal position.
How do I break free?
Will I ever be truly free?
This insanity is too much.

{ the unknown }

I turn things on and off all day.
Light switches.
The oven.
Water faucets.
The television.
There is a switch. A remote. A button. For seemingly EVERYTHING.
Except;
My brain.
It's the one thing I can't figure out how to turn off and on as I choose.
My mind races and runs constantly.
All day and all night.
Tonight I'm feeling a hurt I don't know how to explain.
I feel jealous and angry.
And it's stemming from other people's actions. Their inactions. Words spoken and words left unsaid.
I hate that part of my heart that allows me to believe my worth comes from how I'm treated.
Because it enables me to believe that I am powerless. That I have no control.
I logically know on some level that this simply isn't truth.
That I don't need to give anyone power over my emotions. Over my worth. My identity.
But sometimes it's just damn hard to trust in that truth.
Tonight is one of those nights.
Perhaps for now I need to sit with this sadness. With this hurt.
Let myself accept that it's ok to feel this way.
That it won't kill me. That I will get through this valley as I have done time and time before.

Sometimes it's too much...

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today," said Pooh.

"There there," said Piglet. "I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.”


Today I am thankful that I have been blessed with many a 'Piglet' in my life.
My world feels very shaky right now.
Very top-si-turvy.
It feels impossible to conquer life on my own.
HOWEVER...
As I have been reminded by those nearest & dearest to my heart;
I only have to do it alone if I choose to.
The last 24 hours have brought a world wind of emotions.
Anger. Loss. Fear. Sadness. Betrayal. Bitterness. Jealously.
It hasn't been pretty.
Nor easy.
But it's been life.
I feel vulnerable and small.
I feel confused and hurt.
But I don't feel alone.
My army has stood up beside me and behind me once again.
In the midst of this landslide, I am reminded of how very lucky I am.
I am reminded that true friendship, authentic love, can withstand and uphold me through whatever life throws at me.
I will be ok.
Maybe not today.
Possibly not tomorrow.
But it'll happen.
And for now, that is the hope I will cling to.

Can I do this again?

This will be short.
Semi sweet I suppose.
I'm laying here tonight wondering...
CAN I DO THIS AGAIN?
Can I open up my heart and be real?
Be authentic?
Will I be accepted if I do?
I don't know if I can risk it.
I've debated closing this blog and starting a new one...
I simply don't feel like the same girl that posted here a year ago.
AND YET...
I don't want to give up the hope that she can somehow be reclaimed.
I don't want to completely turn my back on her yet again.
I don't want to start over.
I just want to begin again.