*gaining*

back from a little blogging hiatus
it's a bit strange
after so many months away
i should have plenty to report
plenty to say
and yet
i feel blank

in many ways i am not in a much better spot than i was when i last wrote
yet
in some ways
some tangible
some not
i am finally making progress again
small strides towards a reclaimed life
baby steps
both forwards and backwards
baby steps nonetheless

i am in a new place in my journey
allowing more people in
while kicking some out
i have been asked multiple times lately
what i stand to gain if i fully commit to recovery
to life
my first thought is 'weight'
but that thinking is not going to move me forward
it will keep me
stuck
afraid
alone
sick
vulnerable
i don't want to accept that as the life i am destined to live
instead i will fight to think on the true things i will gain
things that aren't measured by a number
on a scale
or in a pair of jeans
i will focus on what laughter in my throat will feel like again
what it might be like to have a smile reach my eyes
i will look forward to eating without guilt
without shame
i will look in the mirror
without fear
i will tell the woman staring back at me that she is beautiful
fearfully and wonderfully made
i won't hate her for being a woman
instead of a girl
i will anticipate holidays with excitement
instead of panic
i will make plans with friends
and keep them
i will speak up when necessary
and keep quiet when not
i will watch zoey.caiden.&logan. grow up
and have the ability to love them as i truly desire
i will be able to open a bakery
and sample 'the goods'
i will let someone love me
really love me
and someday maybe i will have a wedding cake
that i wouldn't even consider throwing up

i stand to lose all of these things
or never find them
if i continue my affair with ED
it should be so easy to let go
and yet
gaining means losing
losing a 17 year relationship
losing a perceived sense of safety
losing who i know myself to be
losing who others know me to be

in the coming
hours
days
months
i am going to need some extra reminders
reminders that the gains will in the end outweigh the losses
that who i am is not defined by my sickness
nor
is it defined by my recovery
that who i am is separate from these things
therefore who i am doesn't change
based on my performance

i am scared
i am overwhelmed
but
i am strong
i am loved
and
i am not in this alone