When in the valley....

A few days ago I found myself in a yucky place.
I was feeling overcome by the pain and the frustrations that a life in recovery can bring.
I wasn't in a place mentally that I could tell myself the truth because the lies were just too loud.
So I reached out.
I asked people that I love and that I trust to speak truth to me.
I asked them for a word or two of encouragement that could help me remember that the valley is simply part of the climb.
I asked them to help me focus on the fact that the mountaintop is still and always will be within my reach.
As long as I have breath in my lungs and a beat in my heart, that view is still waiting for me.
I wanted to share some of the responses that I received.
In part so that I can return to them as often as needed, but also because I'm praying they might provide the hope that someone else needs to get through a dark moment too.
I'm truly blessed with some amazing truth-speakers...


It will ALL be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end....

that God lives within you, and he has already won the battle. keep walking it out day by day. you were created for specific purpose. you can't give up because he needs you to change lives and help others....

I would remind you that life is so much better when you start to break free from Ed's grasp. I am finally feeling my true self emerge, and I KNOW you can too!!! Prayers and love my friend xoxo

"IS ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR ME" ..... GOD

That I was praying for you about half hour ago bc I knew tday was hard for you...God placed you on my heart!! I prayed Isaiah 26...will send what part of what I prayed for you...

When Tim and I are hiking and we're down in the valley going to the top of a mountain, I sometimes get in such a hurry to get to the top so I can rest and be done I forget to look around and enjoy the climb. Tim always reminds me to enjoy not just being on the mountain top but also the hard work it takes to get there, as there is so much to see and do in the journey. I miss out on what God has created because my head is down. When you're in the valley don't just look up at whats ahead of you but look around at what already is! There is alot of good as well as hard. Love you my sweet friend.

You are a complete individual, especially made by God for His glory. Let your light shine girlie, the world needs you....And boy did He make you beautiful! Inside and out!

That you are loved by me and coutless others and that you are worth the fight...victory is yours thru the One who loves you most!!! I'm praying..

I love you and I know how hard and valiantly you fight Satans attacks on SO many levels. Remember the song by Selah "Before the Throne of God?" "When satan tempts me to despair and tells me every guilt within upward I look and see Him there who made an end to all my sin. Because the sinless savior died my sinful soul is counted free cause God the just is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me. My name is graven on His hands, my name is written on his heart. I know that while in heaven He stands no tongue can bid me hence depart. "
You are under attack little one but you are one mighty little fighter with God's love and strength. Praying for you. Would a little retail therapy or Woodshop help? I can come and get you....would love to see you!

I pulled over as soon as I got your text cause my voice texting isn't working. You have no idea how thankful I am to God that He brought us together. You have impacted my life for good in so many ways...you have no idea!!!

You are loved not only by a multitude of people, but by an unchanging faithful God whose unconditional love is always present, even in our darkest places. He walks with us through every valley, pit, and mountaintop.

You are a wonderful, beautiful and extremely strong women. You are stronger than you think you are and even when you don't feel strong, remember HE is always strong. I am blessed to know you and call you my friend. I love you and am praying for you!!! All my love!!!!

That you are more precious than gold! And that you are loved! You are WORTH it!

That I have never even met you but your inner & outer beauty radiate the miles, so much so, that my heart lifts and I smile... The moment I see a message from YOU. Hang in there doll. Be strong. Xo

I want to remind you that this broken, pain-filled world is not our home... But I'd also like to share something that has encouraged me. I often hear people say "God will never give you more than you can handle." Unfortunately, i haven't found that to be true. I have found that i think he ABSOLUTELY gives us more than we can handle because he wants us to be completely dependant on HIM. He will not give us more than HE can handle but he wants us to trust him that he has us! He loves us completely and unconditionally!!! Love you friend.

I love you, my beautiful, courageous sister. I have never, nor will I ever, forget our days at Remuda. I still regret leaving, not because of the 'help' I was getting, but only because I wanted to steal you away with me!!!

That this is Gods path, not yours. Let him hold you in his arms and hold you tight.

It is completely possible for you to climb your way back to the peak. You are an amazing, smart, beautiful lady. You have been through so much and you continue to bounce back. That is what life is about. I feel you completely. Mine is not ED related but my health. One thing after another and I often say when is it going to end. I have to reframe things in my head to believe that all I am going through is for a reason. I am supposed to Learn from it. Just like you!! As long as your getting back up every time you fall you will gain strength. Eventually they will just be trips rather than falls. If anyone can do it and overcome it's you. I love you Darlin, keep your head up.

One thing? That we have loved each other from almost the moment we met, and we love each other still, and more each day, 11 years later.

*gaining*

back from a little blogging hiatus
it's a bit strange
after so many months away
i should have plenty to report
plenty to say
and yet
i feel blank

in many ways i am not in a much better spot than i was when i last wrote
yet
in some ways
some tangible
some not
i am finally making progress again
small strides towards a reclaimed life
baby steps
both forwards and backwards
baby steps nonetheless

i am in a new place in my journey
allowing more people in
while kicking some out
i have been asked multiple times lately
what i stand to gain if i fully commit to recovery
to life
my first thought is 'weight'
but that thinking is not going to move me forward
it will keep me
stuck
afraid
alone
sick
vulnerable
i don't want to accept that as the life i am destined to live
instead i will fight to think on the true things i will gain
things that aren't measured by a number
on a scale
or in a pair of jeans
i will focus on what laughter in my throat will feel like again
what it might be like to have a smile reach my eyes
i will look forward to eating without guilt
without shame
i will look in the mirror
without fear
i will tell the woman staring back at me that she is beautiful
fearfully and wonderfully made
i won't hate her for being a woman
instead of a girl
i will anticipate holidays with excitement
instead of panic
i will make plans with friends
and keep them
i will speak up when necessary
and keep quiet when not
i will watch zoey.caiden.&logan. grow up
and have the ability to love them as i truly desire
i will be able to open a bakery
and sample 'the goods'
i will let someone love me
really love me
and someday maybe i will have a wedding cake
that i wouldn't even consider throwing up

i stand to lose all of these things
or never find them
if i continue my affair with ED
it should be so easy to let go
and yet
gaining means losing
losing a 17 year relationship
losing a perceived sense of safety
losing who i know myself to be
losing who others know me to be

in the coming
hours
days
months
i am going to need some extra reminders
reminders that the gains will in the end outweigh the losses
that who i am is not defined by my sickness
nor
is it defined by my recovery
that who i am is separate from these things
therefore who i am doesn't change
based on my performance

i am scared
i am overwhelmed
but
i am strong
i am loved
and
i am not in this alone